yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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