My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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