I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
