I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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