he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
