Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
