so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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