nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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