Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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