I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
