Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
