New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
