so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
