i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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