I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
