PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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