What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
