No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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