i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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