I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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