You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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