We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
