Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
