the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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