I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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