1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize