After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
