I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
