you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
