OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
