I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
