I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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