what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
