Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
