I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
When did angry sex become our thing?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
