I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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