Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
