Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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