I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
