So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
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