I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
