This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
