i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
