using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
