Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize