Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
