Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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