he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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