hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
