I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
