What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
