just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
i've created a new STD.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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