so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
