I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
