I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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