I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
