i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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