The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
