eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
