just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
