Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
