Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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