I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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