If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
